She said
I hate it when you cry, you’re crying about nothing important I wish you’d stop
which was
ironic given, she never cried, her eyes dry for years, her sobs kept stifled behind thick walls
growing wild
She said
things that made her feel undone, the way you first feel as a child when someone first hurts you and that pain is so unknown
and raw
She said
things that crushed her flowers into dried husks and wilted her hope before it began to bloom turning
to ash
and in her voice there was
a shame, a regret, not for the words she used to lash her but for the weakness she observed and a judgement, as wide as a bird of prey
cutting out the sun
Sometimes you don’t forget moments
they stay like unwanted photo albums, pinching you to turn the page
Look! That’s when you found out she didn’t love you!
Look! That’s when you learned to stop wanting to be loved!
Look! That’s her thinking you were pathetic and doesn’t she look pretty in her suit and those little tiny shoes
all shiny and new
It’s why she keeps her hair long and unkempt, it’s why she never grows her nails or polishes them
because she isn’t shiny
she’s dull and she’s tired before she’s even run half the course
and what people do when they look at you and decimate you without needing to say anything
stays like a needle, a barb, a thorn, punctuating time
brings you right back in a moment
you’re the small child again trying to impress
you’re the little girl being told
you’ll never be smart enough to go to college
you’re the sullen teen who lets
people hurt you even more because why the fuck not?
you’re the briefly happy dancer, turning on her wielding toes away from the crowd and into the song
lost for just a moment, believing again, before
you’re the girl sitting on the side of the bed as he tells you he slept with your best friend and whilst he’s at it, he confesses to a slew of others
little bodies in little beds in little dirty rooms writhing to the sound of squalor
when birds mate, they mate for life, and in a dangerous hour, she believed that of herself but soon she discarded such a notion and encased herself in amber to ensure nobody
nobody at all
would hurt her anymore
the irony being, we can don armor, we can learn arts of repellence, we can even buy a gun
but if someone wants to harm us
they can
without lifting a finger
it’s always in an unguarded moment
when you think you’re safe
when you delude yourself you might actually
make it
karma bites your ass and shrilly mocks your false faith
don’t you know you’re always going to be without a God, because you were cursed from the day you set foot on this earth?
it only took
a voice, a thought, a look, a glance, someone who resembled her
reminding of all the pain in a cocktail of memory shining efflorescent in the dark
she felt herself grow small again, until her shoes were far too big to fit on her feet, doubt does that to you, in its aching defeat
left with the words she learned along with her alphabet and counting to 100 in three languages
uno
one
un
dos
two
deux,
tres
three
trois
She said
I didn’t know it could still hurt
even after they ripped your heart
chewed it up and
spat it out
I guess I’m the brave soul commenting first. I could scream expletives, but that ain’t my way nor is it my thing.
This is the work of a heart that’s still healing. Of a mind that needs to maintain its sanity. Of a soul that has forgotten goodness… Exists. Sometimes in the shadows of marked ones and clutter-filled rooms. But, it exists nonetheless.
This.
Is.
Gargantuan.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So raw and honest and real and yes gargantuan .
LikeLiked by 2 people
I read this and jump in to that of protective 7 year old me. Wanting to say “if I could, I would” followed by all the things I want to slay, re-do, delete and scorn for me and every person I care for. Life, a 2×4 to the side of the head some days or it feels as such. Then it all feels big, really big and exhausting and I think just rest. This was beautifully written and expressed as you always do like no other. A peanut of a view but for what it is worth I sincerely thank you for sharing. Bravery in truth and vulnerability has a much bigger impact than I sometimes think you are fully aware of. It is a gift you have given me that I am so immensely grateful for xo.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I love this, C. It also pushes emotional buttons for me. There are things I’ve gone through with people I thought would be forever close that… ah, shit. I can’t talk about it. Thank you for the rawness and honesty of your writing. You don’t know how much I appreciate it. Write on, C. Write on. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
it’s very sad and it makes me feel sad and i don’t like that very much, but it is a wonderful piece of writing. and this too: ‘a judgement, as wide as a bird of prey’- brilliant imagery!
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is quite a painful read. So painful, I had to read it again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
huge compliment as I love your work so thank you Andy
LikeLike