poetry

Ausencia de corazón

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She said

I hate it when you cry, you’re crying about nothing important I wish you’d stop

which was

ironic given, she never cried, her eyes dry for years, her sobs kept stifled behind thick walls

growing wild

She said

things that made her feel undone, the way you first feel as a child when someone first hurts you and that pain is so unknown

and raw

She said

things that crushed her flowers into dried husks and wilted her hope before it began to bloom turning

to ash

and in her voice there was

a shame, a regret, not for the words she used to lash her but for the weakness she observed and a judgement, as wide as  a bird of prey

cutting out the sun

Sometimes you don’t forget moments

they stay like unwanted photo albums, pinching you to turn the page

Look! That’s when you found out she didn’t love you!

Look! That’s when you learned to stop wanting to be loved!

Look! That’s her thinking you were pathetic and doesn’t she look pretty in her suit and those little tiny shoes

all shiny and new

It’s why she keeps her hair long and unkempt, it’s why she never grows her nails or polishes them

because she isn’t shiny

she’s dull and she’s tired before she’s even run half the course

and what people do when they look at you and decimate you without needing to say anything

stays like a needle, a barb, a thorn, punctuating time

brings you right back in a moment

you’re the small child again trying to impress

you’re the little girl being told

you’ll never be smart enough to go to college

you’re the sullen teen who lets

people hurt you even more because why the fuck not?

you’re the briefly happy dancer, turning on her wielding toes away from the crowd and into the song

lost for just a moment, believing again, before

you’re the girl sitting on the side of the bed as he tells you he slept with your best friend and whilst he’s at it, he confesses to a slew of others

little bodies in little beds in little dirty rooms writhing to the sound of squalor

when birds mate, they mate for life, and in a dangerous hour, she believed that of herself but soon she discarded such a notion and encased herself in amber to ensure nobody

nobody at all

would hurt her anymore

the irony being, we can don armor, we can learn arts of repellence, we can even buy a gun

but if someone wants to harm us

they can

without lifting a finger

it’s always in an unguarded moment

when you think you’re safe

when you delude yourself you might actually

make it

karma bites your ass and shrilly mocks your false faith

don’t you know you’re always going to be without a God, because you were cursed from the day you set foot on this earth?

it only took

a voice, a thought, a look, a glance, someone who resembled her

reminding of all the pain in a cocktail of memory shining efflorescent in the dark

she felt herself grow small again, until her shoes were far too big to fit on her feet, doubt does that to you, in its aching defeat

left with the words she learned along with her alphabet and counting to 100 in three languages

uno

one

un

dos

two

deux,

tres

three

trois

She said

I didn’t know it could still hurt

even after they ripped your heart

chewed it up and

spat it out

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7 thoughts on “Ausencia de corazón

  1. I guess I’m the brave soul commenting first. I could scream expletives, but that ain’t my way nor is it my thing.

    This is the work of a heart that’s still healing. Of a mind that needs to maintain its sanity. Of a soul that has forgotten goodness… Exists. Sometimes in the shadows of marked ones and clutter-filled rooms. But, it exists nonetheless.

    This.
    Is.
    Gargantuan.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I read this and jump in to that of protective 7 year old me. Wanting to say “if I could, I would” followed by all the things I want to slay, re-do, delete and scorn for me and every person I care for. Life, a 2×4 to the side of the head some days or it feels as such. Then it all feels big, really big and exhausting and I think just rest. This was beautifully written and expressed as you always do like no other. A peanut of a view but for what it is worth I sincerely thank you for sharing. Bravery in truth and vulnerability has a much bigger impact than I sometimes think you are fully aware of. It is a gift you have given me that I am so immensely grateful for xo.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I love this, C. It also pushes emotional buttons for me. There are things I’ve gone through with people I thought would be forever close that… ah, shit. I can’t talk about it. Thank you for the rawness and honesty of your writing. You don’t know how much I appreciate it. Write on, C. Write on. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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