I worry that you lie awake beside me
Listening to me breathe
Wondering with whom and where I’ve been
And I am afraid that it’s his name that I speak
Aloud in the dark
When my brain is steeped in drunken reverie.
He features so regularly now
That the odds of his name escaping from my mouth
Are stacked against us on the nightstand
With the unread books,
The stolen looks
And the conversations you don’t know we have.
Does his name hang above our bed,
A mosquito net with human-sized holes in it?
Have my drug-induced murmurs hurt your heart,
His name a subconscious stab in the dark?
When I wake from my drug-addled sleep
Your side is empty, you have already gone.
I don’t know what damage has or hasn’t been done,
But I send you a message saying,
I had horrible dreams last night 😦
Hoping that if indeed I did say his name aloud
You’ll think that it’s all okay
Because I meant it in a bad, bad, nightmarish way.
I think my dreams about him are horrible
Because they’re not reality
And I really want them to be.
(I’m so sorry).