Ode to E

people at concert

Photo by Vishnu R Nair on Pexels.com

I used to turn down drugs with frequent kiss of teeth from 13 years old when they came in the sticky palms of acne faced kids at parties all twinkly and bold, I said I didn’t need them, my teddy and my hope were salvage enough from any monsters, what need had I of medicated foothold?

In the first year away at University, all full chested with the promise of chances, a sudden breakdown crept up like thick mist across campus lake, unpredicted and blinding like filling your mouth with cement and trying to explain why then

I said yes to you

not the kinds doctors prescribed, we all knew Prozac was bad and Valium worse

people can’t diagnose what they don’t begin to understand and the school doctor liked to look down young girls shirts far more than dispense anything wise, his solution was masturbatory and sometimes a bottle of pills with a Big Parma label he’d forgotten to tear off in his penchant for kick-backs and blow-jobs

but in the sweaty clubs, underneath hot strobe

where the unwashed multitudes came together like freak storm and rinsed themselves clean of hate and fear

free of tomorrow’s consequence

I swallowed you down little blue pill you

looking almost as sad as me with your down curled mouth

all made up with the chaff of kissing people who didn’t get

hell can be among us as we walk and even as we dance

you made me sick, I heaved in a corner, my pulse raced, and then

loved-up entered the room, all false and real and teenager heaven

all those years of feeling bent and misshapen, crowded with pain

irrelevant, mistrustful, empty nights burning parts away to reveal

a shadow, a flicker, a dying ember of what you thought existed

on the other side of the red velvet curtain

they were just shades of light against temporal darkness

moments to be passed on and governed and given back incomplete and shaken

luxuriate in a pretend world like you did as a kid

feeling fur and smelling strawberries, seeing stars, hearing

the pulse contain hope like an internal drum

they told us afterwards drugs were bad and kids who

use end up multiplying the error over and over again

maybe if I were my own parent I wouldn’t have signed off

but if I were my own parent I wouldn’t have wound up

needing an end to grief so bad

it got me through the first year and afterwards

I’d tell people I wish I had a t-shirt made that said

E helped me graduate

because it had



25 thoughts on “Ode to E

  1. Hmmm – There’s a story I’ve yet to tell, not of E, more letters than that, some read instead of swallowed, but swallowed too, but much the same result. I know, I know, Candice, I’ll work on it.


    • Yuk Yuk Yuk I read a book by Timothy Leary (unsurprisingly) about how many times ‘drugs’ helped people. Then watched fascinating documentary on the man who synthisized MDMA and basically, a lot of REALLY REALLY smart people did/do drugs and there is another layer/story here than just ‘pot leads to heroin leads to ruined lives’ and whilst I’m the last to advocate excessive drug use per say, I do think like any drug, some illegal drugs have their use. Interesting that MDMA just recently was written up as a possible anti-depressant. No shit Sherlock.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Psilocybin (Magic Mushrooms) and Ketamine have also been recently studied for treatment resistant depression (as alternatives to ECT) with good results. There were also good result with Ketamine treatment for alcoholism reported from The Soviet Union in the early 80s. Several of the drugs (mainly LSD and Psilocybin were studied in the 1950s with encouraging results, but Acid escaped the laboratory and panic ensued and all research pretty much stopped for 50 years.


      • Yes they have a VA sponsored Ketamin center here for PTSD. Just reading a great you’d like called Conscious. All about the effects of meditation on states of consciousness in terms of self conscious pre thoughts.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’ll have to look up that book. I had head that the VA was working with Ketamine, which is understandable because they have such a huge number of vets who need anything that works.


      • BTW on unrelated subject just going to try LDN for Chronic EBV that caused my Stomach Arrythmia and it helps all sorts of other conditions so wanted to share that I’d found LDN with you incase this would be useful to you xo


      • That’s interesting. So far, my Bursitis seems to be well enough controlled by an occasional dose of naproxen sodium (generic for Alieve) when it gets bad. The action of LDN with the opoid receptors and pain system makes sense for a variety of inflammatory conditions. There have been some recent findings of anti-inflammatory drugs looking useful in depression and acute psychotic episodes, both of which have been found to include inflammation in particular brain regions.


  2. Pingback: Ode to E β€” hijacked amygdala – TheFeatheredSleep

  3. Jukkis Pekkis says:

    Thanks for your interesting point of view. This was actually a very interesting text to read. I used 12 years of different kinds of chemicals, not every day, not even every week or every month. I used to have long periods of staying clean and I must say that trying the ecstasy, cocaine, amphetamine and MDMA at the time for the first time, was a very pleasant experiences.
    The chemical romance, the couple of hours of brightness. Being on the top of the world and for a moment feel like I’m the master of my own life. I’ve had turned into a man who had a solution to an every single problem in my personal life. But the problem behind all these problems was that it was only temporary. And those problems came back as soon as the chemicals had exit your system.
    I’m very happy for the people who say that something have helped them to go through some difficulties in their lives, no reason what it is. I don’t say that Ketamine, MDMA or the other substances shouldn’t be used in medical treatment and I’m sure that scientist definitely know it better. I Just say that when you cross the point when you start to worship the substances, you’re stepping into a dangerous zone because it means that there’s something bigger than you, something godlike, that without you wouldn’t have accomplished something in your life even thou you probably would have had. You start to feel gratitude towards those substances and that gratitude is in a big role when your idolatry splits into an addiction because then shit hits the fan.
    It’s okay if you’re honest to yourself, and what I mean by honesty, is that you are really, really honest to yourself, which sometimes is not an easy task for human being because our mind has its own tricks. The bottom is full of these folks who battles their mindwars against these thoughts how this, once so helpful and friendly tool turned into a parasite that’s now sucking every single drop of blood out of you.
    This is not an attack against your way of life and I’m honestly happy for you and the other people who still gets their highs from the dope. I’m just here to warn you and those other fellow human beings who have lifted drugs on the special platform; Be careful. You’ve entered in to a zone where you can fuck everything up, because in real life, there’s no free lunch. If you really can be honest to yourself, then it’s okay and there’s no risk. But always double check your honesty because that’s the only thing that will keep you on track. If your worshiping have already split in to an addiction, then it’s a bit hard to be honest. Take care. Peace


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