life, poetry

As You Lay Dying

I got our ‘goodbye’ wrong.
All of those rehearsals and I got stage fright,
fluffed my lines, fucked it up on the big night.

What I said: Please, Dad, don’t die, I’m begging you, don’t leave us, don’t you dare fucking die on me, we need you, I need you, Dad, please hold on, don’t die, please, don’t let go, don’t die, don’t go

What I wish I’d said: It’s okay to let go, Daddy, it’s okay, you can let go, I’m here, I love you, you can let go now, you can let go, you’re safe, let go

There is no ‘next time’
in which I could get our ‘goodbye’ right
so I’ve been praticising our ‘hello again’,
making sure it’s perfect for the day we reunite.



10 thoughts on “As You Lay Dying

  1. This is lovely. This is love. Your Dad knows. Your Dad understands. He is so glad that you said these things to him rather than the other way around. How do I know? I am the mother of two daughters, who said similar things to my Mom.
    God’s Peace to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Indeed, there is no second chance in saying that “Good Night”. When my dad’s time came he was unconscious and had been in late stage dementia. I can only hope against the odds that he heard. I feel the depth of this one.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Karen says:

    This one hit home, with another family member. I think it’s not unusual to say what you said – in the moment, in our grief, the loss is just too hard to accept. I believe they know that though. Hugs to you! This was so beautifully written!

    Liked by 1 person

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